Kanina, before ko i-open itong account ko, ang daming random thoughts na naglalaro sa isip ko. Ngayon ito na, hindi ko na alam paano sisimulan isulat ang nilalaman ng isip at puso ko.
- Umpisahan ko siguro sa disclaimer. Mahaba ito, so kung mainipin ka, busy ka (kasi may lakad ka. Char!), judgemental ka (char ulit!) tamang gusto lang mang-bash or simply gusto lang makitsismis kung ano na lagay ng buhay ko ngayon, click back nalang para exit ka na. Pero if meron kang same na pinagdadaanan as I am, or you just like me, super-friends tayo and you're geniunely concerned of what's going on in my life, then read on!
Super nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng taong bumati at nakaalala sa birthday ko. Hindi ko na iisahin kasi ang dami! At nakakataba talaga ng puso. Kasi yun simpleng precious seconds ng buhay nyo, binigay ninyo sa akin para ipaalam saken na naalala nyo ako. Para sa isang taong tulad ko na dumaraan sa tinatawag na mid-life or quarter-life crisis. Na parang lost ka, depress or what.. Napakalaking tulong na malaman na may mga tao pa din pala na willing maglaan ng time nila para sa akin.
Yes, mid-life or quarter-life crisis is real!
Hindi ko alam anong symptoms or how to really describe it. Pwedeng dumadaan ka din sa exact stage pero ibang way yung sa iyo. Basta to simply explain it, pakiramdam ko I'm lost. Parang walang direction yung buhay ko. Tinatanong ko sa sarili ko paulit-ulit kung ano ba ang purpose ko, ano ba yun mga goals and dreams ko. I don't know what my passion is, what i'm really good at. Ang dami kong SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA. Sa moment na ito, lagi akong bumabalik sa: Noon ang goal-oriented ko, noon ang lakas ng loob ko, noon ang lakas ko kumita sa negosyo, noon eye-on-the-prize ako, noon blah-blah-blah... Laging noon.
Mas nakakadagdag din ng depression ang social media to be honest. Para akong nanood ng buhay ng ibang tao sa TV. Real or reel life story man yan, pero iba ang impact sa akin. Since may pinagdadaanan ako, feeling ko nahuhuli ata ako sa takbo ng mundo. I started to question, bakit sila ganito, bakit sila ganun, bakit sila may ganyan. I started unliking myself more kapag nakikita ko yun mga old pictures ko na slim, artistahin (naks!), feeling ko ang losyang ko na. Nakakalimutan ko nang i-appreciate yun ganda ng buhay at mga taong nagmamahal sa akin. Even getting up in the morning is a challenge, not a gift anymore.
I'm 33, a mother of two, in a strong relationship, unmarried, not even engaged and insecure. Kadalasan, inaaway ko si Waldy. Lagi kong nakikita yun mga faults nya, lagi ko siyang binblame for whatever I'm feeling, for feeling insecure, for being a failure. For this and all of that. I completely forget that it takes two to tango nga pala. Minsan, nangingibabaw yun comparison ko sa relationship ng friends namin sa kung ano itong meron sa amin. I tend to oversee the love we share for each other. Kadalasan, blinded ako ng mga gusto kong meron din ako sa buhay ko na meron ang iba. I fail to appreciate what a great and loving partner I have.
Sa pagiging nanay naman, feeling ko ang palpak ko. I blame myself for whatever is Izhi going through right now. I kept telling myself if I hadn't made that decision to get out of a bad relationship, siguro things would be better for her, siguro she will be more happy. Ang hirap kasi sabay kaming mag-mommy na dumaraan sa phase. Siya bilang teenager, ako naman sa adulting phase. Kadalasan, we argue not understanding each other. Then I'd beat up myself after kasi iniisip ko na I might have hurt her feelings by saying too much again and go back blaming myself for everything.
Ang dami kong gustong gawin, ang dami kong gustong puntahan, sabay-sabay tumatakbo yan sa isip ko. Siguro kung hindi ako strong, tuluyang na akong nabaliw. Naiinip ako. Nagiging impatient ako most of the time kasi all I think about is "I Want It Now". And then I will come back to my senses and realized that the most precious stone such as diamonds took million years and bear different weathers to finally become its precious self. In other words, lahat ng special na bagay takes time, effort and sacrifices.
Ilang years din akong nagtago sa shadow, sa fear na baka bumalik nanaman yun naninira sa akin, na tuluyan na siyang paniwalaan ng mga tao. I lived quietly and closely. Guarding whatever is left with my dignity and respect that that person shattered. I am to blame din, because I let that monster swallowed me, my dreams and my life for years. I gave that person the power over my life for so many years. Ibang klase yun trauma ko to the point na I lost my confidence, my determination and my whole career. Imagine, hindi na ako nakapagbusiness ng maayos dahil sa fear that if I go noticed again, that person would start attacking me with the lies she spreads.
So ito na mga friendship.. wala akong pinopromote dito. Sarili ko lang (wahahaha)!
Despite all these negavibes in my head right now, despite sa pinagdaraanan ko. Umaasa at nananalig pa din ako na malalampasan ko ito. I am my own champion after all.
I started reflecting sa mga bagay to help myself cope and get over this by simply doing these steps:
Reflect and Identify the issue
Nagstart muna ako by identifying kung ano ba talaga yun pinanggagalingan ng crisis ko. Is it within myself, sa family, sa career ba? In my case, career. Its a constant battle between I want to be a successful career woman or a full-time mother. I know maraming magsasabi na you can be both, pero ang reality, you have to sacrifice your time for both. I weighed in kung ano ba talaga ang mas importante sa akin. And for me, my children is my priority. Children grow up fast, so I am giving this moment, this time for them. Sooner lalaki din sila, would become more independent. Then I will have the time again to kick off with whatever I want to be.
Acceptance and Letting Go
I'm starting to accept that I can't be a superhuman. I am not a wonder woman, that I am just a normal woman going through life. I shouldn't be so hard sa sarili ko if I'm not this successful as of the moment. I accepted that I am on my own unique path and time. So it really doesn't matter which point in my life I become successful, what matters is how I live my life right now and to enjoy my own journey. I constantly remind myself to be easy to myself and be happy with my little accomplishments. Tinanggap ko na din na I can't please everyone and not everyone will like me. That there will always be people who will try to pull me down. There's no other way but to accept myself for who I am and let go of all my fears.
Be kind to Yourself
Ito, medyo mahirap itong gawin. Kasi kadalasan overwhelmed tayo masyado ng feeling of failure. Sobrang daming tasks sa bahay man or sa work. So for me, ang nangyayari, I nag myself for not accomplishing something in my day. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko and iniisip na wala akong naachieve this day so wala akong kwenta. Minsan nakakalimutan ko na simple things matter too. Like kahapon, super lazy Sunday, hindi kami umalis (sorry po Jesus, hindi kami nagsimba), hindi ako naglaba, nanood lang kami maghapon ni Izhi ng Meteor Garden together and ate and ate and ate! I did not beat myself up like what I usually do dahil tambak ang gawain. I took it easy and enjoyed the moment. My kids are happy and I am happy!
Little things matter, whether its simply like yun umupo ako for 10 minutes and spend that precious time with Yuri. That is an accomplishment. Yung ibaba ko yung cellphone ko and listen to Izhi rave about her day at school, is an accomplishment. So I started giving myself a pat in the shoulder for a job well done. It is an accomplishment. Why? Because again, my children are my priorities and making sure that I connected with them day by day is an accomplishment. Making sure they are well-fed, safe and happy is my purpose in life.
Prayers Do Work
Sa moment na ikaw lang at sarili mo ang naglalaban, may isang Higher Being, more powerful and Great who is watching you and will always listen. It really doesn't matter where you are when you talk to Him, ang importante ay you speak from your heart. Actually, hindi mo na nga kailangan isa-isahin or sabihin vocally or mentally Sakanya kung ano ang nasa isip mo kasi alam na Niya at ramdam Niya. All you you have to do si to surrender. Lift up all your troubles to Him and siya na ang bahala. Mahirap at mahaba man ang journey ng buhay ko, I believe that Papa God has a deeper purpose, a higher task for me.
Be Grateful and Celebrate
Hello, life itself is a celebration! Being alive and loved is the most precious gift so be grateful. May pinagdadaanan man tayo, carry on and move forward. Say thank you kahit sa super liit na gesture na ginawa sa iyo. Be it pinagbuksan ka ng guard ng pinto sa Mercury, or dumating yung kuya na nagdeliver ng order ko from Shopee, yun may panggastos ka sa order mo na hindi mo naman talaga need (sorry Waldy!). Fact is, every little thing counts so be grateful and celebrate.
Breathe and Take it Easy
I started loving yoga not only because gusto kong magbalik-alindog, magpa-tone up ng muscles and maging healthy. Sa buhay natin, whenever we go something so hard, be it exercise or a job interview, we tend to hold our breath. We tense up which leads to stress. What yoga is teaching me right now is to just breathe and let go. Whenever I feel like bursting with anger, I remind myself to breathe, and slowly I can feel myself calming down. Depende pa din naman sa tao kung anong breathing exercise ang bet niya, basta ako yoga works for me kasi I am an addict over-thinker.It relaxes my mind and body. Aminin natin, over-thinking is an addiction na ang hirap i-overcome, so I think, taking it easy and doing something relaxing instead of pumping more adrenaline to my body helps a lot.
Let me know if you're going through the same phase as I am right now. I'm interested to learn how you handle yours so we can share and exchange some ideas on how to overcome this crisis. Sharing is caring!
I've also posted some links of Yogatx's Jen Hilman whom I follow as my online yoga guru. I find her personality very welcoming and caring.
Thank you for spending this time to read my ramblings!